Wednesday, September 29, 2010

You're my wonderwall

Iphone Auto-correction of the day:
Asses = Sewers

I'll admit, I can be a little full of myself.
When my husband left for boot camp, I let my head get inflated when people would tell me how strong I was, or how well I was doing, or how proud they were of me for following God's plan.

The honest truth: My husband followed God's plan. I was dragged along, kicking and screaming.

Not that I'm not well aware that my husband certainly DIDN'T want to leave his whole life behind and start down a very, very scary path. I just did everything I could to make it as difficult for him as possible. I spent the whole year before he left for boot camp giving him a hard time for joining the military. At the time, I wasn't aware that he was listening to what God wanted him to do. It wasn't until a couple of weeks before he left that I found that out.

As soon as I found out God was leading Robert, I gave up. I gave in. I stopped fighting and just focused on what we needed to do to get through the next year. I was still scared and angry, but I realized that I was just making a difficult situation MORE difficult. Plus, how can you fight God? You can't, simple as that.

And then he was gone.

Those two months were hell. Fortunately for me, I had a very very strong support system of family and friends that did everything they could to bolster me. They encouraged me constantly and wrapped me in love and faith, and I would not have survived those two months without them. (Thank you so much. You know who you are.) 

But I started to think more of myself. I started to think: yeah, I'm following what God says, I'm exactly where I need to be, I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm perfect, I don't need to work on anything else.
And I let myself believe that. I let myself believe that I was in control and I was doing what God wanted, sure, but that didn't necessarily mean I needed Him. He threw me into this situation and I was just picking the pieces up and reassembling my life.

It's like I just disregarded everything I had ever learned about God.

HE is in control. HE is my shelter. HE is my wonderwall.

I was never in control. I only had the illusion of control. When I think back on how I acted and thought, I'm ashamed. I thought I was a better person, a better Christian. I was so smug and sure in my belief that because I was "following God," that made me a better Christian. How lame is that?

I fully believe that I'm where I need to be. I fully believe that I DID listen to what God wanted me to do and I acted on it.
But just because I'm where God wants me to be does not necessarily mean that I'm doing what he wants me to do.

Mostly, I'm blissfully happy. I'm with the love of my life and I see him every day and every day I fall more and more in love with him and see his love for me in his every gesture.

A small part of me, though, thinks, is this it? What did God bring me to this place for? Why did I uproot my whole life? What is God's purpose for me in San Angelo? Is it just to give my husband the support he desperately needs? And maybe it is.... I just really wish that I could be doing something else ON TOP OF supporting my husband.

Maybe it's not for me to know.

I feel really isolated here. I'm terrified of having to step out of my comfort zone. (My home instantly becomes my comfort zone) I don't want to have to get out of the house, I don't want to have to get a job, I don't want to have to talk to people, I don't want to melt in the heat, I don't want to get to know this city (I'm only here for four more months). At the same time, I have to get out of this flipping house. I am going bonkers just sitting. I'm tired of cooking, tired of cleaning, tired of reading, tired of watching TV, tired of playing games.
I'm at war with myself.
Let me out. Let me stay in.
I have to talk to someone. I don't want to talk to anyone.

I was talking to a good friend yesterday and we talked about being stuck in your rut. As a matter of fact, she wrote on her blog that she feels like she was pulled out of her rut, changed irrevocably, then put right back in (I'm paraphrasing, her wording was way nicer), totally changed but in the same place, essentially.

I felt that way after my mom passed away last December.

I changed completely, my whole world just flipped upside down. And when the dust settled and I looked around, everything was the same. Same job, same apartment, same rut, same issues.

It drove me mad. Familiarity didn't help me. I was grieving, but I was suffocating in the bubble I had created around myself. I was looking at my life with different eyes and it was flawed.

Robert is the one that pulled me out of my rut, because he freaking CATAPULTED out of his. I didn't even have a rut/comfort zone anymore. It was just gone.

And I'm trying my hardest to keep myself from falling into another pattern. I feel my comfort zone forming around me, but I DO NOT want to get into a rut. Nothing gets accomplished, you can't live your life the way God wants you to.

Living outside the rut is scary, though. What comes next? And will I survive it?

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